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The Ultimate Valentine

“You can search the whole world, and you will never find anyone more deserving of love than you”

This quote stands in contrast to all of the daily messages we bombarded with. Buy this, wear that, read this, if you want to be popular …… if you want approval follow these rules etc.

Our culture is conditional- unless you do this, don’t do that- you will be acceptable. The list of conditions is endless. Most of us literally spend our entire lives try in to gain approval or avoid disapproval.

As a result we have fear, anxiety depression, confusion, and lots of anger. We have low self esteem, and are filled with negative thoughts and feelings. We betray ourselves and abandon ourselves and have no idea who we really are. We have “masks” for every situation. When we identify with our masks, as we most often do, we have no way “home” to our real or true selves.

There is another way.

It requires daily practice. It requires a consciousness and awareness that we are not our masks. To be aware of the effect of constantly betraying ourselves to satisfy someone else or the pervasive culture.

Feeling the effect all of the demands we have to been trying to meet.

Beginning each day with a new question:

“How will I love myself today?” or “what are the most loving things I can do for myself today?”

We have heard from most of the world religions and spiritual traditions that we need to love ourselves. The common denominator among all these beliefs is the need to be a loving presence.

This is only way to create self esteem. WE do it by bringing a sense of compassion, self empathy, curiosity and appreciation to our self.

It is a fact that at one time or another we experienced disapproval, rejection, shaming, been made to feel guilty and inadequate.

Today can be the beginning defining yourself accurately: you are enough, you are more than OK, and who you truly are is fine. Coming to accept this truth will take practice and we often encounter feeling of grief and sadness that result from not being in reality, and not being true to ourselves.

The way of the past – as a perpetual victim (to circumstances, to the opinions of others, rejection, being shamed, judged and constantly diminished and) has to yield to a new powerful way of living where you are the creator of your life, the author and authority of your life.

It is entirely up to you to be your own Valentine. To gift yourself- love, acceptance, and compassion.

To be our own best friend, to “source “from our true selves our authentic selves instead of being desperate to grab for what we can never get from anyone else.

We all know that the people that do accept themselves, that are authentic, that truly can be intimate- are enormously attractive (no matter what they look like or how they dress).

Intimacy – a trite way of expressing it would be to say “In to me you see”.

When we no longer have to hide. When we really understand that perfection in human beings is not real, not attainable , and completely unnecessary.

Create the gift of true friendship with yourself and then expand your circle with people who are willing to accept themselves and you –just the way you are.

If you practice gratitude for the gifts you have, the gift you are and for the opportunity to share that with the world –every day- there will be less temptation to go back to the empty old habit of trying to please everyone else.

Gift yourself a Happy Valentine’s day.

What are We Afraid of When a Relationship Ends?

What is it that we are so afraid of when our relationship ends?

Is it the fear of being alone, afraid of loneliness? Are we afraid that no one else will want to be with us, that no one will love us? Are we afraid of growing older? Concerned about how aging affects our energy, how our bodies tend to change, our faces gain more lines, our hair thins and turns gray- altogether for most of us- aging is unacceptable?

Relationship ending brings many changes. Many of the changes are unwanted, and can lead to more fears- losing friends, how will my family/neighbors/coworkers/church members etc.- view me now?

Some fears you have lived with all your life-some you outgrew. Sometimes we have fears that are dormant when we are in a committed relationship. When the relationship is threatened or has ended it unleashes fears that my never have been reckoned with.

Fear of being a divorced person. Fears of: feeling alone, vulnerable, somehow exposed, that we will be perceived as defective, unstable. Fear about what will happen to the children, fear of being a single parent, fear about moving, fear about making decisions that you have never had to make on your own, fear about money, and fears about all the emotions that seem so overwhelming.

One of the biggest obstacles is fear of fear. Often when we feel fear we go into avoidance mode (food, alcohol, drugs, TV, over working, we all have our “preferred” ways of going in to avoidance. These ways of dealing with fears only paralyzes us!

Every one of our fears need to be faced –if not, they will remain and gain greater energy and influence in our lives and potentially influence future new relationships.

How do we face fear? We often need support- that’s why we often find that the greatest strength in the process of rebuilding- is to be vulnerable. Sharing with a close friend , we find that they too have felt this fear, can easily relate and are willing to “walk with you” ( go to court with you, helping to find a new job, go looking at apartments, share professional referrals –experience mediators, a moving company, therapists etc.). Most importantly they will listen, empathize and validate you in your process.

List your fears- write them out –be specific –what are you afraid will happen? Frequently , when we see it written in black and white, we can see that they are not real, or at least not nearly as significant as we were making them out to be.

See a therapist, or counselor or coach. Some of your fears are very old, many from childhood, and they may have been a factor in your relationship ending. Not only do you have old fears, you now have a lot of new ones. All of these fears can, and need to be dealt with, and a professional can help you through the process.

Take a Divorce Recovery class (the Rebuilding Seminar is among the best), having teachers or facilitators that have been through the rebuilding process, volunteers that have taken the seminar, and having class mates that can share their process and experiences with you-learning from and supporting each other-will be among the most valuable steps you can take in growing through the process.

One way or another, your fears need to dealt with. Some, if you relate to them constructively can spur you in to action- to make a decision (hire an attorney, register for a class, apply for a job, “stand up for yourself”. Use fear of being hurt in future relationships as a motivator to grow emotionally, and to choose differently in future relationships, or to motivate you to get stronger physically.

Many of us become paralyzed by fear, not realizing that if each fear is confronted it will lead to clarity, as we step through the fear we find that the reality was not nearly as challenging as we had expected.

If you are ready to take action and heal these fears–before you start a new relationship–contact us, join our Rebuilding Seminar!

This Has to Stop!

There are ways to increase positive, loving open-hearted connections with our partner, our friends. There are also ways to ensure that we increase our separation, disconnection, closed-heartedness. This is what has to stop if you want to increase your happiness and sense of well-being.

The four separators –Judgment, Guilt, Shame and Blame are typically used in splitting from others. The basis for these behaviors is the belief that we are “less than”, “not enough”, that we will never get what we need. We live in a climate that reinforces these beliefs, that premises there is never enough, that we constantly need to seek for more.

The truth is that when we start with ourselves- start living with compassion and love for ourselves, and find that the world opens its heart to us. Our relationships become more loving, nurturing, and pleasing.

So, how do we stop trying to manipulate ourselves and others using the four demons? First, realize how painful and cruel it is when we are judged, blamed, made to feel guilty, and shamed. Once we really feel the effect that these emotions have on us (when you do it to yourself and to others-or when it is done to us), we have taken the first step. The second step is to realize that this is a “habit” was reinforced over time –most of our parents, managers, teachers, relatives etc., have used these destructive patterns in relating to us-and therefore with practice can be changed. Third, to vision the difference it would make to change- to treat yourself and others with appreciation, respect, compassion, and positive regard. Then, to put this in to practice. We all fail, fall prey to the demons, but with awareness and resolve we can forgive ourselves and the other, and move ahead with acceptance.

The power to realize that we matter, that we are enough, lies within each of us. So, in your relationships discern where you are trying to “get” the other to treat you in a particular way, in order that that you can then feel OK about yourself. Your relationships will grow, only when you are constructive.

New Lease on Life – a Testimonial

The Rebuilding Seminar gave me a new lease on life. When I started the class I was depressed and did not see a path of hopefulness. Now I can see how I created patterns in the past that worked against my efforts to create happiness.

One of the main things I learned is how to create friendships to are mutual, healthy and supportive. I created several friendships in class that are among the best that I have ever had.

Thanks to Nick and Tara for excellent teaching and being able to “hold” the emotions that are part of a relationship ending.

- Liz

Getting “unstuck” – a Testimonial

When I came into the Seminar I was extremely angry. In dealing with the topics of anger and grief during several of the classes I was able to get relief from being stuck in anger –and I didn’t realize how part of my “stuckness” was related to not wanting to feel my grief about the loss of the relationship and the future I had envisioned with my ex. T

The clarity of the teaching helped me see how much of my thinking was rooted in being the victim in the ending of the marriage. So now I can create an authentic life , not being dependent on someone else to love me. It all begins with me.

My fellow classmates helped me to feel that I was not alone in the process of healing, and along with the Facilitators and volunteers we were able to support each other –which really felt good.

- BW

Letting Go of False Beliefs – a Testimonial

I had no idea that I was responsible for 100% of 50% of the relationship. That was a relief to come to know. My ex was always blaming me for everything. No matter what it was supposedly my fault. And I learned a lot about what led me to choose him as partner in the first place. The Rebuilding Seminar gave me new tools, new perspectives, new friends, and a lot of ongoing support. I am looking forward to being able to socialize with other Rebuilding graduates. My personal session with Tara, helped me put to rest some of the beliefs that I had been holding on to. One of the best things I could have done for myself in this very difficult transition.

- MB

Relationship Ending Brings Many Changes

What is it that we are so afraid of when our relationship ends? is it the fear of being alone, afraid of loneliness? Are we afraid that no one else will want to be with us, that no one will love us? Are we afraid of growing older? Concerned about how aging affects our energy, how our bodies tend to change, our faces gain more lines, our hair thins and turns gray- altogether for most of us- aging is unacceptable?

Relationship ending brings many changes. Many of the changes are unwanted, and can lead to more fears- losing friends, how will my family/neighbors/coworkers/church members etc.- view me now?

Every one of our fears need to be faced –if not, they will remain and gain greater energy and influence in our lives and potentially influence future new relationships.

Why You Should Wait Before You Date

By Nick Meima, M.A.

There are many “online experts” who suggest that you should jump into the dating pool right after your divorce. In our experience it’s not prudent to begin dating immediately.

Many people are in denial about the emotional and practical challenges they face in relationship loss. Divorce or death of a spouse is rated as among the most stressful of life events. Inevitably there are adjustments: to a new living situation, to living alone or being solely responsible for the children at least part of the time, to having less money to live on, that your former partner’s “family” will likely no longer be part of your life, and that many old friends “drop away”.

If you have children, there will be major adjustments they have to make. Before you can adequately support them, you need to do the work that it takes to become as strong and stable as possible.

Without healing from the painful aspects of relationship loss, and without learning what you did to contribute to the old relationship ending, not giving yourself enough time to adjust will put you in a new relationship that lacks a strong foundation.

As a result the new relationship could be more problematic than the last. The statistics for “rebound “relationships” show a staggering failure rate. Not only is the process painful for you, but children, friends and relatives are dragged through the process as well.

Don’t get stuck in denial. Don’t jump from one painful ending into a new problematic relationship.

What’s best to do instead? Develop new friendships. We all need support to make it through the rough spots and help us celebrate the moments of success and accomplishment. In the process you can gain new perspectives about what you really value, enjoy, and what your new goals in life will be as a single person.

So take your time; do your healing work. Take the Rebuilding Seminar with its proven success in helping people move through the challenges of relationship loss.

What About the Children?

Children are profoundly affected when their parents are in conflict. They are dependent on parents for well being and survival and are helpless to resolve any of the issues. More than that, they often feel in some way responsible for the situation. It is true that children are resilient, and we often hear, “Don’t worry about the kids; they’ll bounce back.”

When parents get separated or divorced, most of the child’s world is turned upside down. They have to contend with going between the two parents’ homes. They often have to change schools. In one home they have their pet. One parent is more permissive or tolerant. Often children get emotionally neglected or pushed aside as a result of the parents’ emotional turmoil.

Both parents are typically unstable for a period of time as they adjust to their new life. Often parents underestimate how much time healing takes and begin dating very soon after the divorce. And the children are quickly introduced to their new “friend.” More complicated is when the parents have “sleepovers”- while the children are in the home.

Very frequently one or both of the parents will criticize or judge the other to the children. To belittle, criticize, gossip about, or malign your “ex” is extremely upsetting for the children. Unfortunately, some parents persist in making comments that are destructive to the parent/child relationship. Not only does it erode a sense of trust and security that children need, it also leads to anxiety, depression, and often medical problems develop.

If even one parent is able to regain their emotional footing, some essential stability can be set in place for the children. We teach the Starting Over Again Seminar to help adults deal with a relationship ending in order to help with the healing process which is necessary for moving on with their lives.

Although not everyone has children, we are all affected when the children suffer.

The Starting Over Again Rebuilding Seminar is designed to help all adults who are dealing with the end of their relationship “to get back on their feet” as quickly as possible. Over the last 30 years, tens of thousands of people have participated in the classes and have gained the insights, awareness and support needed to be able to move ahead in ways that just going to therapy could not. Unfortunately most people cannot afford therapy, which is what’s recommended for help with some of the deeper issues to further help with moving forward. Our seminar is affordable and arguably the best way to move forward past denial and avoid getting stuck in the victim stage.

There is hope. There is support. And there is a way through the pain! Join us!

How Soon is Too Soon?

This is a question we sometimes hear from prospective students going through the challenges of a relationship ending. They want to know if it might be too early in the process to begin healing and participate in the 10 week Rebuilding Seminar.

Part of the concern is that there is a degree of shame and embarrassment about being so emotional, which is common in the early stages of ending a relationship.

Unfortunately, most people stop their process before it even starts. It isn’t easy to allow ourselves to feel our emotions, so most people try to numb them away. Instead of reaching out for support, they prolong their suffering and remain locked in a “holding pattern.” As a result, they get stuck in anger, resentment, grief, loneliness, depression and a perpetual state of being the victim.

If we are physically injured, we would immediately seek medical care. Going through the loss of a relationship is arguably more profound and painful than most physical injuries. It requires a lot of support, adjustment and information. We created an identity as being married or having a partner. So we need to go through a prolonged period to “re-identify” ourselves.

We have had class members that began the Seminar within days of their relationship ending or breakup. By the end of the 10 weeks, with the support of the facilitators, volunteers and class members, those participants did a lot of healing, regained their sense of humor and optimism, and developed a new sense of stability.

When there is a significant wound, physical or emotional, the time to begin the healing process is now. Your thoughts and experience(s) are welcome!