There are ways to increase positive, loving open-hearted connections with our partner, our friends. There are also ways to ensure that we increase our separation, disconnection, closed-heartedness. This is what has to stop if you want to increase your happiness and sense of well-being.

The four separators –Judgment, Guilt, Shame and Blame are typically used in splitting from others. The basis for these behaviors is the belief that we are “less than”, “not enough”, that we will never get what we need. We live in a climate that reinforces these beliefs, that premises there is never enough, that we constantly need to seek for more.

The truth is that when we start with ourselves- start living with compassion and love for ourselves, and find that the world opens its heart to us. Our relationships become more loving, nurturing, and pleasing.

So, how do we stop trying to manipulate ourselves and others using the four demons? First, realize how painful and cruel it is when we are judged, blamed, made to feel guilty, and shamed. Once we really feel the effect that these emotions have on us (when you do it to yourself and to others-or when it is done to us), we have taken the first step. The second step is to realize that this is a “habit” was reinforced over time –most of our parents, managers, teachers, relatives etc., have used these destructive patterns in relating to us-and therefore with practice can be changed. Third, to vision the difference it would make to change- to treat yourself and others with appreciation, respect, compassion, and positive regard. Then, to put this in to practice. We all fail, fall prey to the demons, but with awareness and resolve we can forgive ourselves and the other, and move ahead with acceptance.

The power to realize that we matter, that we are enough, lies within each of us. So, in your relationships discern where you are trying to “get” the other to treat you in a particular way, in order that  that  you  can then feel  OK about yourself. Your relationships will grow, only when you are constructive.