All of us, mostly unconsciously, have spent our lives creating and cultivating our sense of self.
When our relationship ends, we are faced with the painful reality that our lives are not going progress as we had imagined and planned. Our sense of identity as a married person (or in a long term committed relationship), has been stripped away.
After the anger and grief have been expressed, we step over the threshold in to a new and confusing moment of our lives. Faced with many questions as we face the future, perhaps the primary question is: “who am I now?”
Most of experience a serious decline in our self-esteem or self-worth when the relationship ends. Our sense of self and worth, were in many ways tied to the relationship with our ex. Our foundation was very fragile and shaky. We relied on our ex for our sense of well-being. We imagined that if our ex accepted and loved us, somehow we were OK, worthy, or lovable. Conversely, if our ex no longer is with us, than we must not be lovable or OK.
As painful as this time is, we have the opportunity to redefine ourselves, to create a new more accurate self- image.
The truth is that you are lovable, and you deserve to feel good about yourself. You are a unique individual “gem” of a person. As such, you have your own”brilliance”. If you wallow in bitterness and resentment, and self-pity you will never manifest your brilliance.
There are steps you can take to turn this around. Look in a mirror and repeatedly say “I love you” to your-self. Begin the day imagining what you can do that will be pleasurable and loving to/for yourself. When you do or say something nice/kind/considerate to another person, compliment yourself (“good job, that was a nice thing you said/did-you deserve to feel good about that). At the end of the day, writedown what you are grateful for and at least one thing that you appreciate about yourself
All of these practices are antidotes for the negative self-talk, and the negative attitude towards our self that we have been unconscious about. When we end a relationship, this all intensifies. “Worthless”, “unlovable”, “ugly”, “unacceptable”,”defective”, “failure”, “reject”-are common self judgements. As we think these thoughts we cover up our brilliance, we hide the truth about ourselves and we destroy whatever happiness, and joy would be possible in the moment.
No one else can love us enough to have us feel we are lovable, unless we believe it ourselves. No one else can make us feel brilliant, unless we affirm if for our self.
An old image is hard to let go of. In the words of Walcott the poet:
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself, arriving at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome…
You will love again the stranger who was your self…., the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart…peel your old image from the mirror…
An old image is hard to let go of. But it is necessary if you want to claim the life that is waiting for you. The one in which you feel good about yourself, accept and love yourself. Your new life in which your unique brilliance and “gemness” are ever more evident.

To help you claim your unique brilliance and gem-ness check out our Starting Over Again Seminar. http://www.starting-over-again.com

Recently a student declared that she had anger issues. What exactly did that mean for her? “Well” she said” I often get triggered and then I act in an aggressive way. I have had three marriages, and they all ended because of my anger issues.”
As we explored together, it became clear that the surface issue was anger. However, in all her relationships, she had gone through a courtship phase, without the aggressive, reactive, or “explosive” behavior. So it became clear that under certain circumstances she could be in control of her anger.
There is a lot of confusion about anger. Not commonly understood, is that anger is a secondary emotion.
So what are primary emotions that could “lead’ us to feel angry? There are many, and the reaction is also based on the interpretation of the situation. For example , if I were to interpret a comment which was meant as a compliment , to be sarcastic and judgmental –it would lead to feelings of hurt, fear ( “I can’t trust this person”, “ I don’t feel safe with this person”), confusion, sadness, anxiety, resentment, etc. Likely, the interpretation itself would be based on past experiences, self-image and self-esteem, old beliefs about how safe and secure I am in the world, and my sense of personal power.
The pain which arises in a current situation, most often relates to other painful situations in the past. The painful experiences of the past, which could not be processed, or expressed become part of our “emotional archives”. We store these memories in such a way to try to ensure that we can try to avoid similar feelings in the future. When we were in a powerless situation (such as when we are young, or in a work environment with little control or power) we are much more likely to “store” the pain in those situations , since there was no avenue for us to express our feelings ( talking to someone, protesting , or asserting ourselves (eg “ stop”, “this is uncomfortable”,” don’t do that”,” if you keep doing that I am going to leave” etc.)
When we cannot deal with pain in the past, we will develop defenses to try to “protect” ourselves from similar experiences in the future. Of course this strategy is doomed to fail, because sooner or later a situation will arise and the old wound is torn open again.
When the old would is reopened and the pain is felt, we will try to stop it as soon as we can. So we the use anger as way to try to stop what we identify as the source of the pain. Since the other person who said or did something that felt hurtful –which immediately tapped in to the old unresolved pain- we want to hold them responsible. Even if the other person apologizes, the old pain remains unresolved. In this way we try to maneuver through life with anger as our “go to” to protect our wounds.
So the issue is not so much uncontrolled anger, as much as unresolved pain. Loneliness, abandonment, fear, grief, abuse, failure, disappointment, betrayal, rejection (offered as examples of many other possible painful experiences that haven’t been expressed).
Once the real issue(s) has (ve) been identified, we can constructively attend to the healing process vs destructively avoiding healing. If we don’t stop avoiding the painful feelings we will continue to be destructive. The destructive patterns of blaming, shaming, judging, criticizing, condemning, and often angry actions and words spoken in anger perpetuate suffering and create even more conflict.
So the anger issue is really about unresolved pain. Someone said “If you won’t feel it- you won’t heal it”.

To claim the life that is rightfully yours, it falls to you to pay attention to and work to heal the wounds and the pain from the past. Otherwise you deprive yourself of happiness, contentment, joy, and love.
Are you finding yourself not dealing well with anger issues in your relationship? We can help. Contact us at http://www.starting-over-again.com and get coaching help from Nick and Tara.

                                                                     Putting it all behind us
Often I hear a client say:” I thought I put that behind me”!  Or the cliché –‘the past is the past’.
The reality is that until we really process the feelings, issue or conflict- it will stay with us, and come to have a “life of its own”, until we do.

Carl Jung created the term for this, calling it the “shadow”. In simple terms, our shadow is defined as the place in our unconscious or subconscious where we suppress, or bury the experiences in life that we do not have the where with all to cope with . Most of us have had times when we suppressed our feelings, when we did not know how to resolve a problem, when we were overwhelmed by life circumstances.

When a couple is in conflict – often both of the partners are dealing with personal issues that predated their relationship – when these issues are surface, they can overload the relationship- with demands that their partner change or “fix the problem” Relationships are often the most profound “mirror”, held up for us to see what it is in each of us that needs healing or to be worked through.

We all have our personal patterns for dealing with our issues or problems- most often this means we ‘numb”, so we don’t have to feel the emotions. One way we do that is to compartmentalize. Another way is to use our personal “go to “methods: overwork, lots of exercise, to constantly be busy, watch lots of TV, spend hours on Facebook or the internet etc. We typically don’t call these addictions, but we could. Defined addictions such as alcohol, drugs of all kinds, pornography, gambling, etc, are often used to avoid emotional pain or what feels like overwhelm.

The problem is that if we don’t deal with these unresolved feelings or issues, they don’t just go away. To paraphrase Carl Jung, what ever it is that we don’t deal with, will surface in various ways – and we don’t realize that our unconscious (unresolved emotions) caused the outcome, and we blame it on someone else or attribute it to being our fate. Whatever is surfacing in the moment- is the residual past held in our physical/emotional/psychological system.

When a relationship ends, there is always a tendency to blame the partner for the ending.
This is true, no matter who “leaves” the relationship. As long as we remain in the place of victim, using blame, resentment, judgment, vengeance, or try to shame or guilt our former partner, we give away our power.
The sooner we can get to the realization that both parties contributed to the relationship not being sustainable, the sooner we can move on with healing, and gain the perspectives needed to ahead in a healthy way.

The process of moving on requires us to look at the past, what have we tried vainly to ignore, to see how we attempted through attitudes, beliefs, and images (the ‘lens” through which we look at life -saying men are……, women are….., God is …., life is……) in order to cope with life or to try to create our psychological survival strategy. We all have behaviors that are not effective in building relationships, which keep us in anxiety or fear, and result in conflicts.
Dealing with the past requires us to feel what it is we have thus far, tried avoid feeling
The energy that it takes to suppress, or compress or depress our emotions is enormous, and results in “hard pain”- which prolongs and intensifies our suffering.
We all have a need to heal. In order to heal we need to transform that which we wanted to bury, or put behind us. As Ken Wilber offered, we can only grow if we include all of us and then we can transcend those parts of ourselves that no longer serve us.  If you are ready to experience that healing process–consider taking our seminar.

There are ways to increase positive, loving open-hearted connections with our partner, our friends. There are also ways to ensure that we increase our separation, disconnection, closed-heartedness. This is what has to stop if you want to increase your happiness and sense of well-being.

The four separators –Judgment, Guilt, Shame and Blame are typically used in splitting from others. The basis for these behaviors is the belief that we are “less than”, “not enough”, that we will never get what we need. We live in a climate that reinforces these beliefs, that premises there is never enough, that we constantly need to seek for more.

The truth is that when we start with ourselves- start living with compassion and love for ourselves, and find that the world opens its heart to us. Our relationships become more loving, nurturing, and pleasing.

So, how do we stop trying to manipulate ourselves and others using the four demons? First, realize how painful and cruel it is when we are judged, blamed, made to feel guilty, and shamed. Once we really feel the effect that these emotions have on us (when you do it to yourself and to others-or when it is done to us), we have taken the first step. The second step is to realize that this is a “habit” was reinforced over time –most of our parents, managers, teachers, relatives etc., have used these destructive patterns in relating to us-and therefore with practice can be changed. Third, to vision the difference it would make to change- to treat yourself and others with appreciation, respect, compassion, and positive regard. Then, to put this in to practice. We all fail, fall prey to the demons, but with awareness and resolve we can forgive ourselves and the other, and move ahead with acceptance.

The power to realize that we matter, that we are enough, lies within each of us. So, in your relationships discern where you are trying to “get” the other to treat you in a particular way, in order that  that  you  can then feel  OK about yourself. Your relationships will grow, only when you are constructive.

By Nick Meima, M.A.

There are many “online experts” who suggest that you should jump into the dating pool right after your divorce. In our experience it’s not prudent to begin dating immediately.

Many people are in denial about the emotional and practical challenges they face in relationship loss. Divorce or death of a spouse is rated as among the most stressful of life events. Inevitably there are adjustments: to a new living situation, to living alone or being solely responsible for the children at least part of the time, to having less money to live on, that your former partner’s “family” will likely no longer be part of your life, and that many old friends “drop away”.

If you have children, there will be major adjustments they have to make. Before you can adequately support them, you need to do the work that it takes to become as strong and stable as possible.

Without healing from the painful aspects of relationship loss, and without learning what you did to contribute to the old relationship ending, not giving yourself enough time to adjust will put you in a new relationship that lacks a strong foundation.

As a result the new relationship could be more problematic than the last. The statistics for “rebound “relationships” show a staggering failure rate. Not only is the process painful for you, but children, friends and relatives are dragged through the process as well.

Don’t get stuck in denial. Don’t jump from one painful ending into a new problematic relationship.

What’s best to do instead? Develop new friendships. We all need support to make it through the rough spots and help us celebrate the moments of success and accomplishment. In the process you can gain new perspectives about what you really value, enjoy, and what your new goals in life will be as a single person.

So take your time; do your healing work. Take the Rebuilding Seminar with its proven success in helping people move through the challenges of relationship loss.

Copyright 2013 by Nick Meima