After my divorce people began asking me –“how’s your love life”?
What they were asking about –was I dating anyone, had I found a new “love interest”?
The love life that matters most –I discovered- is the one inside of me.
Was I in a loving relationship with me?
As with most people going through the end of a relationship, I had to work my way through disentanglement from my ex, and through my grief and anger, and through the process of starting to feel OK about myself as a single person.
I did not understand how I, like almost everyone else, did not truly love me. I had always been focused on my career, doing what I thought I had to do to be loving- at least to appear loving, in order to be accepted, approved of, or hopefully not get hurt.
What I came to realize is that I was not loving me, was not accepting me , not compassionate with me , not forgiving of myself.What I gradually learned is that I had a very narrow and really distorted view of love.I thought loving my ex and my children, my parents, and siblings, and be a “good neighbor”, and love my friends would bring me the love I wanted.
So what I learned is that the major part of my love life needed to be in me loving me.
How and what was I feeding myself? The food I was eating, the books and magazines I was reading, the movies and TV shows, the hours spent on line ( Facebook, e-mail, and all the sites that “wanted” me to visit them). What I learned is that I needed to eat healthy , nutritious food. I needed to exercise EVERYday. That I needed to read material that was “nutritious” – that inspired, challenged and encouraged me. That the shows, and movies I watched really had a big effect and I had to change my media “diet.
One of the major areas for me, was the relationship to my thoughts and feelings. Like most people my inner judge and critic were very active, and I had not realized just the extent to which they were such a powerful negative influence.
Mostly, because of the inner negativity, I numbed my feelings, and was numb to all the negative judgements I had about myself. As Brene Brown pointed out, we cannot numb just one feeling, when we numb, we numb all our feelings.
I also learned that my feelings are a gift, each one to be appreciated (not easy to do- obviously). But each feeling, if felt, informed me about what was needing attention in my life-. As Sue Johnson said in her book “Hold me Tight”-“ without knowing what we are feeling we have no compass”. I gradually realized that I had been in scarcity and “not enough” consciousness . So I was always looking to others, instead of myself–for approval, acceptance and love.
So now I pay attention to when the inner (or outer too) judge and critic are attacking me – and now I can say- “That’s not true “. Instead, I can now comfort, accept and love myself ( Kristin Neff has a good video on you-tube about how to do this).
I have learned that it is necessary to love myself no matter what. If I have a negative thought , to then comfort myself and bring love the “one” that is scared, hurt, confused, angry , judgmental ( towards myself or someone else), the one who feels lost, alone, desperate, unlovable, unacceptable, ashamed, inadequate, not smart enough, not enough etc. to be able to say to myself “ it’s OK , I love you , it’s going to alright”, I know you are having these ___ thoughts- I love you–those thoughts are not accurate are not true- I love you just the way you are”.
When we wake up, to ask – “what is a loving thing I can do for myself today?” and then do it. Proving in a simple way that you can and do love yourself.
When you look in to the mirror, to repeat to yourself repeatedly “I love you” . This “practice” counter-acts all of the judgmental thoughts and messages we have been sending to ourselves all our lives.
When you look at your body in the mirror, to say I love you to the parts of your body. Most people are very attached and committed to being judgmental and critical of their bodies. If we don’t like, or hate our bodies, we are not loving ourselves. Our bodies are amazing, and you have only one body- gratitude is what all of us need to learn to feel for our bodies. This is the only body you have- appreciate it, love it –just the way it is (not if…, not when…..).
Being able to love yourself –no matter what. We all deserve more love , not less.
We deserve it, we need it.
The truth is that whatever we do that is not loving to our-self or to others – ultimately deserves our forgiveness.
We can never judge, criticize or shame ourselves into self-love , self-acceptance and self-compassion and self-esteem By accepting , appreciating, valuing ,and having compassion for ourselves we grow in our love for ourselves.
In order to be able to receive the love that other people have to offer, we have to be able to receive it ( which means first to give it) from ourselves. If we don’t love and accept ourselves, we have no true love to give.
The most wonderful creation in this life, is to create a life that we love ( to be able to truly say:”I love my life”) –which fundamentally means that we love ourselves. We cannot separate our-self from our life.
So —how’s your love life?
Tag Archives: divorce
What About the Children?
Children are profoundly affected when their parents are in conflict. They are dependent on parents for well being and survival and are helpless to resolve any of the issues. More than that, they often feel in some way responsible for the situation. It is true that children are resilient, and we often hear, “Don’t worry about the kids; they’ll bounce back.”
When parents get separated or divorced, most of the child’s world is turned upside down. They have to contend with going between the two parents’ homes. They often have to change schools. In one home they have their pet. One parent is more permissive or tolerant. Often children get emotionally neglected or pushed aside as a result of the parents’ emotional turmoil.
Both parents are typically unstable for a period of time as they adjust to their new life. Often parents underestimate how much time healing takes and begin dating very soon after the divorce. And the children are quickly introduced to their new “friend.” More complicated is when the parents have “sleepovers”- while the children are in the home.
Very frequently one or both of the parents will criticize or judge the other to the children. To belittle, criticize, gossip about, or malign your “ex” is extremely upsetting for the children. Unfortunately, some parents persist in making comments that are destructive to the parent/child relationship. Not only does it erode a sense of trust and security that children need, it also leads to anxiety, depression, and often medical problems develop.
If even one parent is able to regain their emotional footing, some essential stability can be set in place for the children. We teach the Starting Over Again Seminar to help adults deal with a relationship ending in order to help with the healing process which is necessary for moving on with their lives.
Although not everyone has children, we are all affected when the children suffer.
The Starting Over Again Rebuilding Seminar is designed to help all adults who are dealing with the end of their relationship “to get back on their feet” as quickly as possible. Over the last 30 years, tens of thousands of people have participated in the classes and have gained the insights, awareness and support needed to be able to move ahead in ways that just going to therapy could not. Unfortunately most people cannot afford therapy, which is what’s recommended for help with some of the deeper issues to further help with moving forward. Our seminar is affordable and arguably the best way to move forward past denial and avoid getting stuck in the victim stage.
There is hope. There is support. And there is a way through the pain! Join us!
How Soon is Too Soon?
This is a question we sometimes hear from prospective students going through the challenges of a relationship ending. They want to know if it might be too early in the process to begin healing and participate in the 10 week Rebuilding Seminar.
Part of the concern is that there is a degree of shame and embarrassment about being so emotional, which is common in the early stages of ending a relationship.
Unfortunately, most people stop their process before it even starts. It isn’t easy to allow ourselves to feel our emotions, so most people try to numb them away. Instead of reaching out for support, they prolong their suffering and remain locked in a “holding pattern.” As a result, they get stuck in anger, resentment, grief, loneliness, depression and a perpetual state of being the victim.
If we are physically injured, we would immediately seek medical care. Going through the loss of a relationship is arguably more profound and painful than most physical injuries. It requires a lot of support, adjustment and information. We created an identity as being married or having a partner. So we need to go through a prolonged period to “re-identify” ourselves.
We have had class members that began the Seminar within days of their relationship ending or breakup. By the end of the 10 weeks, with the support of the facilitators, volunteers and class members, those participants did a lot of healing, regained their sense of humor and optimism, and developed a new sense of stability.
When there is a significant wound, physical or emotional, the time to begin the healing process is now. Your thoughts and experience(s) are welcome!