All of us, mostly unconsciously, have spent our lives creating and cultivating our sense of self.
When our relationship ends, we are faced with the painful reality that our lives are not going progress as we had imagined and planned. Our sense of identity as a married person (or in a long term committed relationship), has been stripped away.
After the anger and grief have been expressed, we step over the threshold in to a new and confusing moment of our lives. Faced with many questions as we face the future, perhaps the primary question is: “who am I now?”
Most of experience a serious decline in our self-esteem or self-worth when the relationship ends. Our sense of self and worth, were in many ways tied to the relationship with our ex. Our foundation was very fragile and shaky. We relied on our ex for our sense of well-being. We imagined that if our ex accepted and loved us, somehow we were OK, worthy, or lovable. Conversely, if our ex no longer is with us, than we must not be lovable or OK.
As painful as this time is, we have the opportunity to redefine ourselves, to create a new more accurate self- image.
The truth is that you are lovable, and you deserve to feel good about yourself. You are a unique individual “gem” of a person. As such, you have your own”brilliance”. If you wallow in bitterness and resentment, and self-pity you will never manifest your brilliance.
There are steps you can take to turn this around. Look in a mirror and repeatedly say “I love you” to your-self. Begin the day imagining what you can do that will be pleasurable and loving to/for yourself. When you do or say something nice/kind/considerate to another person, compliment yourself (“good job, that was a nice thing you said/did-you deserve to feel good about that). At the end of the day, writedown what you are grateful for and at least one thing that you appreciate about yourself
All of these practices are antidotes for the negative self-talk, and the negative attitude towards our self that we have been unconscious about. When we end a relationship, this all intensifies. “Worthless”, “unlovable”, “ugly”, “unacceptable”,”defective”, “failure”, “reject”-are common self judgements. As we think these thoughts we cover up our brilliance, we hide the truth about ourselves and we destroy whatever happiness, and joy would be possible in the moment.
No one else can love us enough to have us feel we are lovable, unless we believe it ourselves. No one else can make us feel brilliant, unless we affirm if for our self.
An old image is hard to let go of. In the words of Walcott the poet:
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself, arriving at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome…
You will love again the stranger who was your self…., the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart…peel your old image from the mirror…
An old image is hard to let go of. But it is necessary if you want to claim the life that is waiting for you. The one in which you feel good about yourself, accept and love yourself. Your new life in which your unique brilliance and “gemness” are ever more evident.

To help you claim your unique brilliance and gem-ness check out our Starting Over Again Seminar. http://www.starting-over-again.com

Recently a student declared that she had anger issues. What exactly did that mean for her? “Well” she said” I often get triggered and then I act in an aggressive way. I have had three marriages, and they all ended because of my anger issues.”
As we explored together, it became clear that the surface issue was anger. However, in all her relationships, she had gone through a courtship phase, without the aggressive, reactive, or “explosive” behavior. So it became clear that under certain circumstances she could be in control of her anger.
There is a lot of confusion about anger. Not commonly understood, is that anger is a secondary emotion.
So what are primary emotions that could “lead’ us to feel angry? There are many, and the reaction is also based on the interpretation of the situation. For example , if I were to interpret a comment which was meant as a compliment , to be sarcastic and judgmental –it would lead to feelings of hurt, fear ( “I can’t trust this person”, “ I don’t feel safe with this person”), confusion, sadness, anxiety, resentment, etc. Likely, the interpretation itself would be based on past experiences, self-image and self-esteem, old beliefs about how safe and secure I am in the world, and my sense of personal power.
The pain which arises in a current situation, most often relates to other painful situations in the past. The painful experiences of the past, which could not be processed, or expressed become part of our “emotional archives”. We store these memories in such a way to try to ensure that we can try to avoid similar feelings in the future. When we were in a powerless situation (such as when we are young, or in a work environment with little control or power) we are much more likely to “store” the pain in those situations , since there was no avenue for us to express our feelings ( talking to someone, protesting , or asserting ourselves (eg “ stop”, “this is uncomfortable”,” don’t do that”,” if you keep doing that I am going to leave” etc.)
When we cannot deal with pain in the past, we will develop defenses to try to “protect” ourselves from similar experiences in the future. Of course this strategy is doomed to fail, because sooner or later a situation will arise and the old wound is torn open again.
When the old would is reopened and the pain is felt, we will try to stop it as soon as we can. So we the use anger as way to try to stop what we identify as the source of the pain. Since the other person who said or did something that felt hurtful –which immediately tapped in to the old unresolved pain- we want to hold them responsible. Even if the other person apologizes, the old pain remains unresolved. In this way we try to maneuver through life with anger as our “go to” to protect our wounds.
So the issue is not so much uncontrolled anger, as much as unresolved pain. Loneliness, abandonment, fear, grief, abuse, failure, disappointment, betrayal, rejection (offered as examples of many other possible painful experiences that haven’t been expressed).
Once the real issue(s) has (ve) been identified, we can constructively attend to the healing process vs destructively avoiding healing. If we don’t stop avoiding the painful feelings we will continue to be destructive. The destructive patterns of blaming, shaming, judging, criticizing, condemning, and often angry actions and words spoken in anger perpetuate suffering and create even more conflict.
So the anger issue is really about unresolved pain. Someone said “If you won’t feel it- you won’t heal it”.

To claim the life that is rightfully yours, it falls to you to pay attention to and work to heal the wounds and the pain from the past. Otherwise you deprive yourself of happiness, contentment, joy, and love.
Are you finding yourself not dealing well with anger issues in your relationship? We can help. Contact us at http://www.starting-over-again.com and get coaching help from Nick and Tara.