Monthly Archives: February 2013

Why You Should Wait Before You Date

By Nick Meima, M.A.

There are many “online experts” who suggest that you should jump into the dating pool right after your divorce. In our experience it’s not prudent to begin dating immediately.

Many people are in denial about the emotional and practical challenges they face in relationship loss. Divorce or death of a spouse is rated as among the most stressful of life events. Inevitably there are adjustments: to a new living situation, to living alone or being solely responsible for the children at least part of the time, to having less money to live on, that your former partner’s “family” will likely no longer be part of your life, and that many old friends “drop away”.

If you have children, there will be major adjustments they have to make. Before you can adequately support them, you need to do the work that it takes to become as strong and stable as possible.

Without healing from the painful aspects of relationship loss, and without learning what you did to contribute to the old relationship ending, not giving yourself enough time to adjust will put you in a new relationship that lacks a strong foundation.

As a result the new relationship could be more problematic than the last. The statistics for “rebound “relationships” show a staggering failure rate. Not only is the process painful for you, but children, friends and relatives are dragged through the process as well.

Don’t get stuck in denial. Don’t jump from one painful ending into a new problematic relationship.

What’s best to do instead? Develop new friendships. We all need support to make it through the rough spots and help us celebrate the moments of success and accomplishment. In the process you can gain new perspectives about what you really value, enjoy, and what your new goals in life will be as a single person.

So take your time; do your healing work. Take the Rebuilding Seminar with its proven success in helping people move through the challenges of relationship loss.

What About the Children?

Children are profoundly affected when their parents are in conflict. They are dependent on parents for well being and survival and are helpless to resolve any of the issues. More than that, they often feel in some way responsible for the situation. It is true that children are resilient, and we often hear, “Don’t worry about the kids; they’ll bounce back.”

When parents get separated or divorced, most of the child’s world is turned upside down. They have to contend with going between the two parents’ homes. They often have to change schools. In one home they have their pet. One parent is more permissive or tolerant. Often children get emotionally neglected or pushed aside as a result of the parents’ emotional turmoil.

Both parents are typically unstable for a period of time as they adjust to their new life. Often parents underestimate how much time healing takes and begin dating very soon after the divorce. And the children are quickly introduced to their new “friend.” More complicated is when the parents have “sleepovers”- while the children are in the home.

Very frequently one or both of the parents will criticize or judge the other to the children. To belittle, criticize, gossip about, or malign your “ex” is extremely upsetting for the children. Unfortunately, some parents persist in making comments that are destructive to the parent/child relationship. Not only does it erode a sense of trust and security that children need, it also leads to anxiety, depression, and often medical problems develop.

If even one parent is able to regain their emotional footing, some essential stability can be set in place for the children. We teach the Starting Over Again Seminar to help adults deal with a relationship ending in order to help with the healing process which is necessary for moving on with their lives.

Although not everyone has children, we are all affected when the children suffer.

The Starting Over Again Rebuilding Seminar is designed to help all adults who are dealing with the end of their relationship “to get back on their feet” as quickly as possible. Over the last 30 years, tens of thousands of people have participated in the classes and have gained the insights, awareness and support needed to be able to move ahead in ways that just going to therapy could not. Unfortunately most people cannot afford therapy, which is what’s recommended for help with some of the deeper issues to further help with moving forward. Our seminar is affordable and arguably the best way to move forward past denial and avoid getting stuck in the victim stage.

There is hope. There is support. And there is a way through the pain! Join us!

How Soon is Too Soon?

This is a question we sometimes hear from prospective students going through the challenges of a relationship ending. They want to know if it might be too early in the process to begin healing and participate in the 10 week Rebuilding Seminar.

Part of the concern is that there is a degree of shame and embarrassment about being so emotional, which is common in the early stages of ending a relationship.

Unfortunately, most people stop their process before it even starts. It isn’t easy to allow ourselves to feel our emotions, so most people try to numb them away. Instead of reaching out for support, they prolong their suffering and remain locked in a “holding pattern.” As a result, they get stuck in anger, resentment, grief, loneliness, depression and a perpetual state of being the victim.

If we are physically injured, we would immediately seek medical care. Going through the loss of a relationship is arguably more profound and painful than most physical injuries. It requires a lot of support, adjustment and information. We created an identity as being married or having a partner. So we need to go through a prolonged period to “re-identify” ourselves.

We have had class members that began the Seminar within days of their relationship ending or breakup. By the end of the 10 weeks, with the support of the facilitators, volunteers and class members, those participants did a lot of healing, regained their sense of humor and optimism, and developed a new sense of stability.

When there is a significant wound, physical or emotional, the time to begin the healing process is now. Your thoughts and experience(s) are welcome!