Monthly Archives: October 2013

What are We Afraid of When a Relationship Ends?

What is it that we are so afraid of when our relationship ends?

Is it the fear of being alone, afraid of loneliness?  Are we afraid that no one else will want to be with us, that no one will love us?  Are we afraid of growing older?  Concerned about how aging affects our energy, how our bodies tend to change, our faces gain more lines, our hair thins and turns gray- altogether for most of us- aging is unacceptable?

Relationship ending brings many changes. Many of the changes are unwanted, and can lead to more fears- losing friends, how will my family/neighbors/coworkers/church members etc.- view me now?

Some fears you have lived with all your life-some you outgrew. Sometimes we have fears that are dormant when we are in a committed relationship. When the relationship is threatened or has ended it unleashes fears that my never have been reckoned with.

Fear of being a divorced person. Fears of: feeling alone, vulnerable, somehow exposed, that we will be perceived as defective, unstable. Fear about what will happen to the children, fear of being a single parent, fear about moving, fear about making decisions that you have never had to make on your own, fear about money, and fears about all the emotions that seem so overwhelming.

One of the biggest obstacles is fear of fear. Often when we feel fear we go into avoidance mode (food, alcohol, drugs, TV, over working, we all have our “preferred” ways of going in to avoidance.  These ways of dealing with fears only paralyzes us!

Every one of our fears need to be faced –if not, they will remain and gain greater energy and influence in our lives and potentially influence future new relationships.

How do we face fear? We often need support- that’s why we often find that the greatest strength in the process of rebuilding- is to be vulnerable. Sharing with a close friend , we find that they too have felt this fear, can easily relate and are willing to “walk with you” ( go to court with you, helping to find a new job, go looking at apartments, share professional referrals –experience mediators,  a moving company, therapists etc.). Most importantly they will listen, empathize and validate you in your process.

List your fears- write them out –be specific –what are you afraid will happen? Frequently , when we see it written in black and white, we can see that they are not real, or at least not nearly as significant as we were making them out to be.

See a therapist, or counselor or coach. Some of your fears are very old, many from childhood, and they may have been a factor in your relationship ending. Not only do you have old fears, you now have a lot of new ones. All of these fears can, and need to be dealt with, and a professional can help you through the process.

Take a Divorce Recovery class (the Rebuilding Seminar is among the best), having teachers or facilitators that have been through the rebuilding process, volunteers that have taken the seminar, and having class mates that can share their process and experiences with you-learning from and supporting each other-will be among the most valuable steps you can take in growing through the process.

One way or another, your fears need to dealt with. Some, if you relate to them constructively can spur you in to action- to make a decision (hire an attorney, register for a class, apply for a job, “stand up for yourself”.  Use fear of being hurt in future relationships as a motivator to grow emotionally, and to choose differently in future relationships, or to motivate you to get stronger physically.

Many of us  become paralyzed by fear, not realizing that if each fear is confronted it will lead to clarity, as we step through the fear we find that the reality was not nearly as challenging as we had expected.

If you are ready to take action and heal these fears–before you start a new relationship–contact us, join our Rebuilding Seminar!

This Has to Stop!

There are ways to increase positive, loving open-hearted connections with our partner, our friends. There are also ways to ensure that we increase our separation, disconnection, closed-heartedness. This is what has to stop if you want to increase your happiness and sense of well-being.

The four separators –Judgment, Guilt, Shame and Blame are typically used in splitting from others. The basis for these behaviors is the belief that we are “less than”, “not enough”, that we will never get what we need. We live in a climate that reinforces these beliefs, that premises there is never enough, that we constantly need to seek for more.

The truth is that when we start with ourselves- start living with compassion and love for ourselves, and find that the world opens its heart to us. Our relationships become more loving, nurturing, and pleasing.

So, how do we stop trying to manipulate ourselves and others using the four demons? First, realize how painful and cruel it is when we are judged, blamed, made to feel guilty, and shamed. Once we really feel the effect that these emotions have on us (when you do it to yourself and to others-or when it is done to us), we have taken the first step. The second step is to realize that this is a “habit” was reinforced over time –most of our parents, managers, teachers, relatives etc., have used these destructive patterns in relating to us-and therefore with practice can be changed. Third, to vision the difference it would make to change- to treat yourself and others with appreciation, respect, compassion, and positive regard. Then, to put this in to practice. We all fail, fall prey to the demons, but with awareness and resolve we can forgive ourselves and the other, and move ahead with acceptance.

The power to realize that we matter, that we are enough, lies within each of us. So, in your relationships discern where you are trying to “get” the other to treat you in a particular way, in order that  that  you  can then feel  OK about yourself. Your relationships will grow, only when you are constructive.